Suffocating in this asylum
Where every pebble built into this stone structure trembles with fear.
The mirror assigned to watch my every move looks for any excuse to leave.
The familiar fragrance of fresh blood floats into the room.
Another murder within these cold walls.
I wonder how it happened.
Did he do it to himself?
Or was it done, once again, by his peers?
They happen so often that every mirror fears life here.
Because one day,
They may become witness to one.
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1 comment:
heyy dollface. let's get started !
love the word suffocating. :] but put a comma after the first line.
condense the second line to "where every pebble in the stone structure/trembles with fear." i adore personification.
eliminate fresh from the fourth line down. then, dive in to, "muder in these cold walls./how did it happen?/at his own hands, or did he fall victim to his peers?"
the lines after that are almost too vague. make the statements more concrete. i understand your aim to make a powerful ending, but sometimes blunt words are great for the same effect.
oh, and the title. work on it. something that incorporates the poem as a whole: murder as a daily occurance. you know?
maybe i'm nuts. hmmmm. <3
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