Long Goodbyes

I let my head fall against my hand, trying desperately to keep her eyes open. My normally short attention span was even shorter than usual; at the worst point in the year for such a thing to happen: midterm exams. The night before had been long and painful. I glanced quickly around the silent room; my two classmates who had been with me the night before shared the same tired, worn look as I did myself. I locked eyes with the nearer of the two and he smiled feebly. It comforted me, though only slightly. I looked back to her exam and tried to concentrate; though my mind only kept drifting to the night before.
***
I searched though my closet desperately trying to find something to wear. Everything seemed to happy; to bright. Nothing I could find had just the right combination of dress and dark. I knew I could wear what I had worn last time; but the bright white mocked me; laughing silently at the tearstains down my cheeks and the puffiness of my eyes. Finally, after nearly an hour of searching my house, I settled on a pink and black striped sweater I had found in my mother’s closet; shopping tag still attached. I pulled it over my tight black shirt - a perfect fit. I brushed out my long dark red hair and pulled it into a hairclip, letting the bottommost layers hang freely. I pulled on the high black boots I had so often worn in the past and carefully put on a little makeup; although I knew it would end up off; the moment I saw him I would start crying again.
I walked silently into my living room; my dad already ready to leave. I brushed a tear from my eye as I followed him out to the car.
***
The car ride to the funeral home was near silent; only the sound of the radio could be heard. As we pulled into the parking lot, I glanced up the mountain. The skiers were coming down the hill on the man-made snow. I wondered how anyone could be happy on a day like that.
The parking lot was packed with cars; many of them which I recognized. As we walked into the home, I felt a sudden surge of sadness fall upon me; being there, surrounded by crying faces, all united for the same reason, made it suddenly all become too real; he really was gone.
My father and I took seats near the center of the room with all my friends. We were to join the Elks in the ceremony which was being presented before the funeral. People around the room were talking; yet I could not understand the words. I was in a state of emotional shock.
His casket lay at the front of the crowded room, surrounded by flowers and photographs. She recognized one immediately. It was hung in her bedroom as well; from their Antlers installation nearly two years earlier. Time seemed to slow as out Antlers advisor asked us to go line up in the small lobby. The room we had just left began to fall silent as the High Point Harmonizers began to sing a slow, quiet song. I could not understand the words. The Elks Exalted Ruler asked us to line up behind the many Elks who were there. She explained to us what we were going to be doing; we were to line up along the far wall, near the Harmonizes, as the ceremony was presented. Once it was finished we were to add a leaf to the circle upon his chest which the Elks were to start. She walked down the line, handing us each a small fabric leaf, the kind many people add to home decorations. The fabric felt different than usual, somehow softer.
The Harmonizers fell silent, and the line of Elks and Antlers began to slowly move into the room and toward the casket. I saw him as I passed, he looked so fake, his skin almost grey. He looked many years older then he seemed to act; sometimes, it felt like he was one of us; one of the teens he so often helped.
The Exulted Ruler began her speech, I could not bring myself to listen; I knew it would tell everything about him we loved, but not nearly to the extent it was true. There was no way to tell anyone how we felt about him; no one could ever feel it unless you were one of those he affected. I could hear Ryan crying, Jimmy crying, I turned to look at Jimmy, one of the few people always willing to comfort, I couldn’t ask him for it now; he needed it more than I did. The Harmonizers began to sing again, and I felt the tears I has been trying so hard to push back sting against my eyes. The line of people slowly began to move forward, Elks first, then Antlers following behind. As I neared the casket the tears began to fall from my eyes. I stood in front of it and looked silently in at it; the smile which had so often spread across his face now looked stern and rigid. The circle of leaves lay upon his chest, a symbol of an everlasting life and memory of him within each of them. I lay the small leave into the circle as a tear fell upon it, and followed the rest of the line back into the lobby.
Time blurred together; one second everyone was crying together in the lobby, the next we were outside in the cold January winds. One friend of mine was seated along the wall, outcast from everyone else, tears falling from his eyes; tears I had never seen, never expected from him. Two more were wrapped in each others embrace, using each other as a shoulder to cry upon. The three strongest of my friends, all broken into tears. I felt the familiar sting against the back of my eyes again.
***
I tried top bring my focus back to the test, yet it wouldn’t happen. Time was wearing thin as the tears stung again. I pushed them harshly back; he wouldn’t want me to keep crying; he would want me to take the test. I forced my attention back to it, desperately trying not to let him down.
***
Nothing could have made that day any better; surrounded by the strongest friends I have crying over a single loss. I guess we are all human, we all suffer loss. Everyone suffers loss; it turns even the strongest of people weak and wounded. We are all mortal, and through such, we all suffer.